So lets see. Wednesday didnt go well AT ALL. I split the day so I can see both of my lovers. (friends and bf) So, I planned to leave after 4th with Ash to meet up with Bawb and Bill. And come back to school at 12, because Ash had to leave at that time too.
So I told Lu to meet me at 12 in front of the school. And he said okay, because he will be at the park right behind the school. So I said ok. And I skipped 3rd to be with him. He seemed ok, but I could tell something was wrong. So he told me that instead of coming with me, hes going with the guys to play handball. So I said okay. But meet me at 12 in front of the school. And he said alright. So me and Ash and Deb leaves, we meet up with Bawb and Bill. I had fun. We left, got to school at 12, Ash found Carlos and left with Deb. So Bill was left with me. We walked around looking for him. He was nowhere to be found. We walk to Rays, and John answers the door. He tells me that Lu isnt there, but hes probably at Junaids park. And Im like aw crap, cos Ive been there before but Im not sure how to get there. And Bill had to go, so I dropped her at the 112, and walked back to Rays. I decided that I wasnt going to the park, for risk of getting lost or kidnapped or something. So I walk back to Rays, looking for Luis the whole time. I see Joseph as Im going back. He said that Luis and Jagroop was looking for me. So he said I should wait at Rays. I thanked him and kept walking. I got there, and stayed in the basement with Cookie, Jose, Ray, Junaid and John. Junaid kept trying to call Amir and Jagroop, but they wouldnt pick up. And when Amir did, which was around 1, they said they were in Howard Beach. Fucking Howard Beach!! So I wait at Rays for him. I wait til its time to go back to school. So I leave at around 2:20, and make it back to school. Then I see him. I go up to him. He says hi. No hug, nothing. Then he completely ignores me. And Joseph, Jagroop, Amir and others were there. They were noticing something going on. So after I figured he wasnt going to talk to me at all, I go to stand against the gate. Then after the guys leave, Nisha and her friends come over. He still completely ignores me. My dad comes, I get into the car, and drive home. I tried not to cry while I was there. So I got home and let it out. I cried for an hour. I came online, and he argued with me. I dont see WHY. I dont see why HE should be the angry one. I didnt do anything wrong. He got so mad, that he signed off on me. He came back and his away said "fuck it, im done". I give him 5 hours. He IMes me later on at night and says that hes sorry and he was mad, that he just had to release all the anger. And I didnt forgive him. I cant keep letting this happen. It hurts so much. I kept assuming things. And Nisha...

What did I do? Am I the wrong one?

i think that possibly, maybe im falling for you
yes theres a chance that ive fallen quite hard over you.
ive seen the paths that your eyes wander down
i want to come to

i think that possibly, maybe im falling for you

no one understands me quite like you do
through all of the shadowy corners of me

i never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while i never knew
i never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while i never knew

i think that possibly, maybe im falling for you
yes theres a chance that ive fallen quite hard over you.
ive seen the waters that make your eyes shine
now im shining too

because oh because
ive fallen quite hard over
over you

if i didnt know you, id rather not know
if i couldnt have you, i'd rather be alone

i never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while i never knew
i never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while, i never knew

all of the while , all of the while

If the girl who wanted your boyfriend added you on myspace and attempted to be friends, would you?
Would you A) pretend to be friends, just to get close and find out as much as you can? But risk having her imitate you.
Or would you B) stay as far away as possible, and be a bitch, and show your true anger toward that person and tell her to back the FUCK off, or you'd rape her fucking face with a razor?

Then again, she has the power to follow him and do WHATEVER she likes. Because Im not always with him. I dont trust ANYONE. I cant stop her from doing things.

I think A sounds a bit more like me.
Imean, the saying goes "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer"



It was the suspicion from everyone on Friday that made me realize that I was right about my assumptions. Now all I have to do is plan this out right.

I'M TIRED OF LIVING IN THIS HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!! I'M TIRED OF BEING TREATED THIS WAY. I'M TIRED OF BEING PUT DOWN. I'M TIRED OF EVERYTHING. Im the only one who fucking helps out, but ONE thing i want, and I cant have it. Never EVER EVER in my life have I been happier for more than a few hours. I wish my life was fast forwarded so I can just grab Lu

I know I keep blabbering about Luis. BUT. I know we wont last very long. And when that day comes, I hope he finds the one girl that makes him happier than anyone else in the world. And someone who wont do anything to make him angry. Someone NORMAL. So he wont have to worry about her dying her hair, or piercing her face, or stretching her earholes, or getting tattoos. Imean, there has to be a girl out there for him, who can have tacos together with him, and be with him whenever he wants her.

Because apparantly, I am not good enough. I cant make him happy. Hes always mad. I can't not be myself. I refuse to change myself for anyone. Im going to maybe get my tattoo and my septum soon. And if were still together (which i doubt), what will he do then? Im sorry I cant be normal. I just get bored with things really easily. (boyfriends are exceptions)

I'm getting signs. And its so weird. Its like a roller coaster. We have the greatest moments ever. And before I can even enjoy it for a short while, we end up arguing over the stupidest thing in the world.

Im sorry I cant see him whenever he wants to see me. Im sorry I dont have a car, or anything. Im sorry I cant spend enough time with you because of school. Im sorry im not your dream girl either. Id like to be, but that wont work.

What I NEED. Is someone to deal with my weirdness, who wont hurt me so easily. (Because I get hurt by the littlest things). And a good back massage.


Yeah, I just had to let that out.

It's official. My boyfriend chooses music over me. Imean, he always used to say that it's me and music that he needs, and thats it. But hes leaving after 5th tomorrow to go get the new MF DOOM cd. And I also told him that I dont want to spoil his happiness. But he said to tell him, and i said I wont, that he will see tomorrow. You know, that I dyed my hair. I hate it!! Its supposed to be dark purple, but it came out pink. And I hate it. It looks like weave. And Luis is going to hate me.

Speaking of him, I think its my fault that he gets the buzzing. Because Im always around when he gets them. Or if hes thinking of me. And I do things that makes him mad, which could trigger it. I miss him alot. I wish he wouldnt be mad about me for dying my hair. because hes assuming and hes sure that hes right, and he said if he sees me, hes just going to walk away. And I already made it clear that i dont like it when he walks away.

Honesly, I do believe in true love. I believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Imean, think about all the people in the world. There HAS to be someone just like you, looking for someone just like you. Just like we are looking for someone like them. I truly believe that, but sometimes I stop believing it. Because thatll take hella fucking forever to do. Its all up to God to cross the paths.

Now that I think about what I wrote, it sounds like complete bull. So idk. Whatever.

BUT! Love at first sight? I srsly dont know. Because sometimes I look at a guy and I think "Holyshitontoast." But that isnt love. Because I dunno the guy, but he is pretty fucking attractive. Otherwise, I cant really say, because Ive never seen a guy that made me fall in love instantaneously. When/if it does, Ill let you know.

And usually if I see someone, Id feel a tiny bond between them. Like, it happened with Michael, Justin, Gerry AND Luis. Its almost like I knew theyd be my future bfs. Its weird. Like, the first time I saw Luis, I felt it. But I didnt pay any mind to it.

And I think Ive yet to feel love. I DO feel a very strong attraction, but I dont believe that its love.

I had it OUT with my dad today. I havnt been that pissed off in years... I was hyperventilating and everything. First, he gets the car back. He picks me up from school. Not only to have THAT ruin my day but he asks me why i took so long to get out, and I said because I saw the SAT class teacher and I asked him if I can sign up for the class and he said its too late cos of the collegenow credits and whatever and how it wont go in and what not. And he started quarreling about how I make up excuses for everything and that i NEED to get the class no matter what I do. And I said that Im gonna have to drop a class or something in order to get it. Dude, he started yelling like crazy and people were staring so I rolled up the window. He started blaming me for it and everything. And my pressure starting building up. My anger sky rocketed and he wouldnt shut the fuck up so I answered him back and said that at least I tried and whatever, that I care about my grades too And he said that I obv dont care cos im not trying to take the SAT over and shit like that. So fuck it, if he wants to spend an extra $50 to see me get like 2+ points than last time, then so be it. Then when I dont even do better, hes going to yell about that too. Fucking asshole I tell you. I got SO pissed off, I started crying too. Because when I get angry I start crying. And when he pulled up to the house, he was still yelling but I left the car and went inside. (thank the GODDESS I have house keys) And I had my textbook in my hand. I had the strongest urge to hurl it at his head. But I ran inside and went upstaires and I had to meditate IMMEADIATELY or else that son of a bitch would have been murdered today. I made a dent in the bathroom door too. Because theres NO way I can hold in that much anger and itll reside. I have to punch something or scream or it wont go away. And I started talking to myself. And that didnt work so I got my journal and wrote down everything. I have like a whole page of things that is his fault. I hate him so much.  And then I stay in my room and wait for him to have lunch and thinking he'd leave for work again, but the fucker stayed home -_- Then he went to drop off the car at my uncles shop cos something happened to it again. So I came downstaires to eat something before he got back. And I waited for my sis to get off the pc. And I think I had an hour nap. Idk. but I was reading. And he came into the room and started yelling again. Well to me its yelling cos he talks so goddamn loud. And he just repeated all the shit hes always telling me. But not once did I look at him. And then he blamed his stress on work and whatever. And hes blaming the economy for not having jobs nowadays. Thats NOT the reason. He could have gotten a better fucking job for SO LONG NOW. He is such an asshole. I HATE HIM. He is now the #1 on my list. And right now, Luis is at work and his sidekick is out of money. So I cant talk to him. Can it REALLY get any worse? I highly doubt it.
AND on top of that, im pmsing AND im getting pre-cramps. And 2 days ago, Luis went on his "Ill ignore Nisa on aim today" thing. He claimed it was his headache thing. Which I really dont think it was. He claimed that if he didnt ignore me, hed only fuck things up more. And when Ashley asked him why he was ignoring me, he said he wasnt and he didnt know what was wrong. -_- Jerk. But she and Hezron talked to him and he sobered up. Hes hard to deal with sometimes. I bought him oreos though.

P.S: You should see the things I wrote. Years from now, Im going to look back on it and ponder.

Yesterday was pretty ok. We went to eat at taco bell/dunkin donuts and we got tacos. And he said he wanted to stay back a bit because he was "sleepy". So he stayed back. And I left. Because If im not mistaken, i THINK that means "gimme some time alone, wilya?" in guy language. And him, jose and amanda came back superlate and cruz got mad. And afterwards, he completely ignored me for like, a long time. Luis got mad at me at one point and just walked away. because I wouldnt let him molest my belly. Hes like a little kid because he throws tantrums when he cant have his way. And I think he tried to make me jealous by hanging out with amanda. It didnt work. And Im looking at her pictures right now and I realize that he probably likes her secretely. Because hes in like, every picture with her. Even though Jose is his bff fo life and Jose is the one that wants her. still though, it happens. But anyway, he completely left me alone. And we left and everything and I had to sit alone on the bus. He came and sat next to me afterwards and asked me if im ok. UH NO! I shrugged. And I chose my words carefully. I told him that I hate it when he walks away from me. Its not the first time hes done it. But I forgave him. Even though I shouldnt have. But anyway, our robot didnt even fight yesterday because we werent done putting it together and they called us up. I didnt go today so idk whats going on. I hope they actually win something. I hate my dad, and now I have to be mad and ignore him for a month. -__- He asked for it.
In other news, I ordered the notebook and Im gonna read it. Its another one on my list of books to finish this month.
Im watching harry potter and im quoting everything. And its like, 70 degrees out. And im inside. One of gerry's friends asked me to go to a party with him. And I said no, im going out with my bf tonight. Even though im not. But its all that came to mind without having him hit on me and not defending myself by letting him know that i have a bf. And speaking of gerry, he keeps talking to me. Im trying to keep it on the downlow. But he makes it seem like im his only friend. I'm hella bored.

Well, me and Luis fixed out problems. (I'm training him well!) And hes careful now. But things are back to normal. And I feel a bit better. But im on the lookout for more stupid moves from him. And the love horoscope from my point of view says:
You're not a particularly "deep" person, Gemini, and your Scorpio lover has an unmatched depth of passion. At first, your partner's intensity may make you feel vulnerable and exposed. In time, though, you should be able to find a middle ground between mental and physical attraction. Things are never dull with an always-inventive Scorpio, and your flirtatiousness arouses a sensual and playful charm within Scorpio. This may not be a relationship that will last forever, but while it lasts, it will definitely be an exciting and passionate love affair.

And his says:
While Gemini is fascinated by a trail of hot, bubbling lava, you want to know what's fueling the volcano. Brainy Geminis appreciate your thirst for knowledge, and they'll enjoy sharing ideas and debating issues with you. Well, until they realize they'll never win. It's not that you're smarter - it's that they're no match for your intensity. In fact, you just may scare the heck out of them. You just may be too serious for a flighty Gemini. And a Gemini might just be too flirtatious for a jealous Scorpio. Making this relationship work won't be easy.

I showed him, and he said "whats creepy, is that its true. Scary accurate." He even accused me of making that up! lol. But I told him about what I read in the astrology book, about the planets not determining what your destiny is, but you can create and change your future. So I said "fuck that! We can make this work!" And he agreed. So lets!

And Im still getting used to the idea of not tellling him everything that goes through my mind. Ive learned that. And as soon as you do that, they use it against you. But I bond with him so well, that its hard not to tell him everything. Because hes not only a pretty impressive bf, but hes a great friend too. So sometimes I ask for his opinion and stuff, but we're alot more than that. And I really do hope that we can make this last, whether or not im graduating. We get along well, but like, he loves arguing. And I HATE arguing. Sometimes he reminds me of my dad. And I dont want to be the one he argues with every day. Like, there are some things that we dont have in common AT ALL, but when we do have things in common, its scary.

And holy shit, spring break is like, 2.5 weeks long >__< Thats going to hurt like a BITCH. This is like, the 6th vacation we've been through away from each other... I really hope I can get to see him. Ill try to work something out.

Well, Ive created a temp journal with no lock in a wirebound spiral notebook. I drew on the inside and I use it as a dream log too.
Just saying.
Well, yesterday, we (Luis, Me, Bawb, Jawknee, Blirm, Cookie, Shane and his gf, Herman & Mike) attempted to get "FREE PANCYAKES". Only it wasnt free. I KNEW there was a catch. There always is a catch. And I found a creature in my soup. Eh... Fly or something. But I ate the pancakes. Twas ok.

So anyway, yesterday, I was talking to Luis. And he said he wants to see me with my bangs up. Even though hes seen before like a gazillion times already. And he keeps bothering me about it. And I said noo. And i told him about how I feel ugly and whatever and he said no, omg, youre not ugly! youre pretty! =. = and I said no. Pretty is... (then i said) Kayla. And I compared myself to kayla. And hes like whatt noo. And then he said you know what? You wont see me tomorrow. And I said what? why? And he said cos I need to stop because it makes him mad when i put myself down. but I really cant help it. My self esteem has been low for sooo long and I cant change it. Thats another thing he has to put up with when it comes to me. And then in between the conversation, I asked "so i get to see you tomorrow?" And he kept saying no. Then I had to go. And I cried myself to sleep while listening to emo music. Youve no idea. I felt so horrible. I kept thinking things. I havnt felt this horrible in so long. I almost thought it was impossible.
And I went to school today and didnt see him until 7th period. And I ignored him then. Then after, I outwalked him to 8th period drama and he said "fine. im leaving". So he got his hoodie and left. And I was speechless for the entire of 8th. And he came back in the middle of 9th. And he asked me if I was still angry. And I looked at him for a good while and then shrugged. And so he left again. I went to robotics shortly. And got home. And I had to IM him or else he probably wouldnt talk to me at all. And I hate feeling this way because it takes a long time for me to recover.
But now Im talking to him on Aim. And hes barely talking. Which is pissing me off. He needs to bear with me. And put up with me. Hes the kind of person who will see you crying and will just look at you. Or he'd ask whats wrong? and you say nothing. and then hed say oh, and walk away.
Otherwise, hes pretty lovely. He cares. But he doesnt show it. I wish he just wasnt so asshole-y.

You know? I wish I was Luis' dream girl. I wish I liked the music he liked, and did things to make him happy. I try, but I dont try hard enough. I boss him around alot and force him to listen to me ramble all the time. Yeah, im not done, but ill edit later.
=. =

I WOULD... use some of it for el colegio. And use some for a new wardrobe. And use some to makeover my home. And use some to buy myself a car, laptop and camera. And buy a lifetime supply of waffles and tacos and tofu for me and my lover. And save the rest. :D

Ahh. So today I was supposed to go to the movies with Ashley and Carlos, Bawb and her bf, and Luis. I wanted us all to go out cos this is the first time we've all been un-single at the same time. And Ash ended up staying in school with Deb cos she "didnt have money". -__- And I bet she ended up leaving school anyway. So me and Luis ended up going alone. We go to Atlas Park and the movie started at 12 so we were like wait, we cant make it back to school at 2 so whatever. And we go to Borders and look around a bit. I made Luis get a vegetarian recipe book. And we go to his house. And we ate chocolate chip waffles by candlelight. And then we went to his room and had fun. No more details. XD
And then his mom comes home. lol. I met her, shes cool! I hope she doesnt hate me. And then he gives me his luigi plushie. And I give him his sour candy that hes never tasted. And his card. And he tells me he feels uber bad because he didnt get anything for me. But honestly, i dont care. Because I never liked V-day in teh first place.
And my throat hurts again. I think I might get sick. Again.
I tried putting the 5/8" in again, but the stupid thing keeps hurtinggggg. So I plucked it out >< and put the 9/16" back in. Its swollen like a mofo. Next time, Im gonna do it the old fashioned way. ELECTRICAL TAPE!

Now I cant get to see him for 9 days!? AHH. Where have all these vacations come from!? I swear...

OMGOMGOMG. I MET KRIS WILSON!
Lol. I spend like 1 hour at his booth. He made some doodles for me and signed a poster and Vday card and a shirt for me :D
He is amazing. And so hot. Lol. I got a picture too! It made my entire day.
Everything else was eh. I got some manga and posters and lots of other crap. I dont think it was enough though. Id like to go back. And I want to meet him againnnn. :3
I got there at like 4 cos my brother took so long and he had to go pick up my sister. And I left school after 7th thinking we'd leave early. Im so hungry right now. And I didnt see much famous people. I saw Mr Cloos and Vince Zurzillo. Otherwise, it couldve been alot better. I got a picture with 2 uglydolls XD They were adorable.
And the manga there was hella cheap! Like $2 But I had no money which sucked!
And I wanted to get one of the hats with the superlong ears :3 But I couldnt find any under $25 D:
Well, Im like sleeping away on the keyboard, so ill write again another time ^__^

So my report card is the same. 92 average. And my new classes:
2- english cn
3- pop culture
4- anatomy
5- lunch
6- astronomy
7- forensics
8- service
9- drama

At first I had 2 lunchs and service for 6,7 and 8. And everyone was like wtf. Haha. But Im planning on getting drama 5th and 8th too. I hope I dont have much work to do in English. Cos I know I will in Anatomy and Forensics and Astronomy. But hey, I asked for it. =. =
And I have Forensics with Luis. I feel so bad. I like neglected him today. I really did feel like shit though. And Ashley left early. Hell, EVERYONE left early. u__u And I might leave early tomorrow. Because of Luis. I dont want to, but I might end up doing so.
 

I feel sooo BLAHH. I'm supposed to do an Imbolc circle. Idk when I can. I have to do it in my attic because my sister is always home like me and she lurks around alot. Ehh.
And tomorrow is the new semester. I dont even know if Im ready. And we get report cards. Whatever, I have to go. I cant stay home anyway. Ill die if I do another day.
I dont know what to do with Luis. He lies. He cheated. And hes really conceited. I guess Ill just keep him. For a bit. Until I figure something out.
But hey, I got some new music. And my limewire worked for 2 days.

I woke up at around 10 this morning. And I wrote down a dream I had. I saw one of the Jonas brothers at the front entrance for scanning at school. And he made me go through scanning to leave the building o_O And I remember me having keys. And when I went outside, Luis was waiting for me, and so was my family. I dont know what THAT means. And then I brushed my teeth and lurked around a bit and then realized I was sleepy again so I went back into bed. My clock said 2:22 when I woke up. And I remembered another dream. One where I was hanging out laundry in my basement. And then Luis' friends start hanging around. And in my mind I thought "theyre having the drunk day at my house?" and so I leave them down there and I go up to the back door to let more people in. And they hand me clothes. Like black bras and other weird stuff o__O. And I go up to my kitchen and everyone is home. Dad is on his spot on the couch and mom is watching tv. My brothers are in the kitchen eating and my sister is on the computer. And I remember thinking in my mind that Dad knows theres only guys down there so I wont be able to go down. Thats all I remember.

As of NOW. I feel more like shit than ever before. My head feels like it weighs a few tons and I can feel my body releasing heat. I can barely move because everywhere hurts. I have a splitting headache. And I keep feeling light-headed. Im on Aim though because i want to talk to Luis before my internet shuts off. =/